Cultural Gap

Here in Canada, immigration has been the source of her talent pool in the midst of what would otherwise be a negative population growth. So it is quite commonplace to find cultural barriers here particularly in the major city centres.

The cultural bridges that are now being forged in communities are, however, just a reflection of smaller cultural rifts that are brewing in immigrant homes throughout the country. This is commonly referred to as the "cultural gap" and is oft experienced between children and their immigrant parents - "generational gap".

For immigrant parents, the tendency is to rely on what you are familiar with and draw from the experiences of your own upbringing. This often comes with a set of rules and obligations that are culturally based. It important, however, to realize that your children will be living their lives in the new country now. Holding them to foreign cultural requirements while they adapt to their new cultural environment will put a strain on them. So as much as possible, try to be as flexible without compromising your core values.

For immigrant children, the tendency is to struggle between your parents expectations and those of your surroundings - friends, media, etc. It is important to remember first and foremost that your parents do love you and that they want what's best for you. Be understanding to the fact that there are no parenting manuals and they are relying on what they know based on how they were raised. Ultimately though, you will live in the new culture. Take what is good that you can learn out of your parents teaching and incorporate it into your own cultural makeup. The resulting blend is unique and amazing because it somehow can co-exist in either culture.

Dating while Schooling

Earlier this month, someone asked about dating while schooling on eGuidebook. And I thought, yes, that's a very pertinent subject to talk about here. If you're a high school or post-secondary student, it's very common for people such as yourself to be smitten while schooling. Natural instincts would urge you to act on that attraction.

If you haven't acted on those instincts yet, then I'll try to speak to the practical side of your brain. Dating is something that requires a lot of time and effort. The investments are temporal, physical and emotional - it will require you to make some sacrifices. You will notice an impact in your ability to perform in some aspect of your life. Your grades may take a hit. You may become distant from your family - become a poorer brother/sister/son/daughter. You may start distancing from your friends. Some combination of the above is going to happen - all of which are somewhat bridge-burning in nature.

So knowing that, if you're still prepared to date, you'll need to manage the change in order to minimize the impacts. Firstly, you have to be very disciplined in your studies. Your grades may take a small hit and still be ok, if you're particularly good student. But ensure that you still meet your own academic expectations. Your family needs to accustomed to the idea that they may see a change in you. So talk to them about what you want to do. They may not be receptive to it and you may need to give that some time and work on your persuasion. As for your close friends, you have to manage their expectations on your time as well.

On top of all this, you have to ensure that you manage the expectations of the person you're dating and also invest enough of yourself to meet or exceed those expectations. Otherwise, the relationship will not last. The pain of a broken relationship is quite intense - probably one of the most debilitating emotions you would have to face as a young person.

From a moral perspective, is it good or is it bad to date while schooling? It's neither. There are goods and bads to dating and not dating. It's a balancing act. If you believe that school is going to improve your ability to provide for your future family, then sacrificing your academics today will diminish your ability to contribute to your long term relationship in future.

When the Going Gets Tough...

As a teen, you might not always see eye-to-eye with your parents. Sometimes, they force you to do mundane chores and boss you around just because you live in *their* house. Sometimes they won't let you go on that secret rendezvous with you-know-who. It can get pretty tense in the household and at times can feel like a pressure cooker with no release valve.

So I've titled this blog after the saying "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going..." That's because many young people today tend to walk out when things get a little heated at home. That's their release valve. So when the going gets tough, they get going (y'know... run away).

Although it is a release valve for household pressures, it isn't a very good one. It's early signs of an easy quitter. People who walk out a lot in their youth tend to develop the bad habit of running away from tense situations with the ones they love - the ones who love them. Fast forward a couple of decades and it could mean walking out on their own children. It's not a good habit to start.

So, try to find a different release valve. Pray. Talk to a sibling. Call a friend. Let the boil simmer down before reacting. Learn how to resolve conflicts rather than run away from them. It's easier while you're young.

NB: This doesn't really apply for those who are getting abused at home though. I'm just talking about simple arguments that culminate to become a major source of tension.

Wedding Planning Gotchas

In spite of the countless number of resources for wedding planning, there always seem to be some nasty gotchas that still catch unsuspecting lovers unaware.

So even if you're following some kind of a wedding plan and you have all the logistics worked out, here are some things that can still come and haunt you.

The Head Table
Particularly if you're marrying into a different ethnicity, it's very important to understand the culture you're marrying into. What's worse, your partner might be as unaware as you are about his/her own culture if they are second generation immigrants. Make sure you clarify with your future in-laws what their expectations are of the seating plan at the head table.

The Seating Plan
I want my friends up front. No, my parents want my relatives up front. You get the idea. You never know what's important to which parties unless you ask. It's better to be aware of this ahead of time rather than publishing a seating plan and distributing it only to find that some parties aren't happy about it. Talk this through with your partner, your immediate family and your partner's immediate family before inking in your seating plan.

Zilla
This is just the most difficult to deal with. Your partner turns out to be a zilla who is anal about some details that ends up butting heads with you, your family, her family and your wallet. Best to manage your partner's expectations way up front... maybe even before getting engaged.

Wedding Day Management
On your wedding day, you will have too much on your mind to have to deal with details. Appoint some managers to handle the details and to manage the hiccups. Make sure all your volunteers know who to go to when in trouble.

Finances
Who pays for what? How do you split the cost or do you split it at all? Also, who takes the monetary gifts? How is it split? Is there a dowry? Make sure you discuss this up front as well.

Famous last words... Most of the gotchas come from poor expectation management. Make sure you discuss expectations with your partner, your future in-laws, and your parents. Do it early and do it often. People appreciate the fact that you're trying to think from their perspectives even if you cannot always accommodate them. Be willing to compromise. Don't hold too many things hard and fast. Pick your spots and stand firm on what's really important to you. Keep in mind that what will benefit you most in the long run is maintaining your family relationships on both sides.

Engagement Rings

So you think it's time to propose, eh? Well, the next step is to get a ring. What are the things that you should be thinking about when getting an engagement ring?

First off, Weddings are going to be expensive and engagement rings likewise. So it's a good idea to start saving up some dough. They say the guideline for the price of the engagement ring should be at least 2 months salary. So you need to save at least that much but you should save more. The rest can be put toward the wedding to come.

Next, you'll have to think about what kind of engagement ring to buy. Diamond rings are the most popular. However, it may not be within your budget. Regardless of whether it's a plain silver band or a diamond ring, you should put the effort into saving up for and buying something for your bride-to-be. That effort is a show of commitment. For most, the show of commitment, particularly in an engagement, shows that you're serious about your promise. Having said that, talk with your girl and ask her what type of ring she wants (they're normally reasonable) and try your best to do slightly more than expected - without breaking the bank, of course.

If you do end up looking for a diamond ring, educate yourself about the 3C's - cut, clarity and colour. There are plenty of resources online. Then go and look at a few diamonds to see what they look like. Pick the one that looks best to you within your budget. Of course, shop around and ask around for a good jeweler for quality and price.

Some women actually want to pick something out themselves. In that case, a token ring will do for the proposal and then, a trip to the jeweler that you've scoped out beforehand.

Lastly, give yourself time to prepare for the actual proposal. This again is another way to showcase your commitment to the cause. Any ounce of effort you put into the preparation for this won't go unnoticed.

Small Groups

For today, I wanted to share a few positive experiences about small groups. When I say "Small Groups," I'm talking about a small group of people gathering to form something like a mini support community. Support groups have always been a very effective way to share ideas, to gain accountability and to support each other through rough times.

If support groups work for alcoholics and smokers trying to break a bad habit, then why not extend the concepts to the regular guy next door like you and me who do get into sticky situations every so often?

From experience with my own small support group, I have found great friendship and great support through my good and bad times. With my group, I never feel alone through any troubles and because the group is small enough, you don't forget one another and you remain accountable for each other's well being. Overall, I think the support group has helped me to remain on an even keel at all times. I am a better person as a result.

So for those who are thinking about being intentional in starting small support groups, I highly recommend it. Groups of upto 8 seem to be most effective.

Conflict Resolution

There will come a time when a relationship will face its share of conflicts. It's an unavoidable fact of life. Unresolved conflicts will stress the relationship and may even break it. If you value your relationship with your partner, put some thought into how you will resolve conflicts and discuss it openly so you both know what to expect.

A good starting point for discussion is the Conflict Resolution Style. Everyone seems to have their own particular way of communicating when they are upset. Some will tell it like it is while others will soak it all in and not bring it up. And when it comes to resolving the conflict, some can't sleep until the issue is resolved while others need to sleep on it.

Talk this through with your partners and understand how each other prefer to resolve conflicts. Your conflict resolution styles may not match at all. That's ok, though. At least you're now aware of the differences and are more receptive to compromise. So think of ways that both of you can compromise so that you both can feel secure and comfortable even in a conflict.

Dating & Relationships

Girl says, "Why are all men such jerks?"

Guy says, "All the good ones are already taken."

If this sounds like a familiar refrain, then that's exactly the type of sentiment I want to address in this column. No, I don't have a top 10 list of the best pickup lines or the 3 steps finding your soul mate. What I offer is a suggestion for a change in perspective...

Quips, like the ones I quoted earlier, suggest that there is a lack of good choices out there; hence, the tone of hopelessness. I'd like to suggest that perhaps the problem is not that there is a lack of good choices, but that you might be looking for the wrong person. Most people go with a "gut feel" or "chemistry" when it comes to picking potential partners.

Are you girls always looking for that popular guy with the charms and the suave? Not trying to over generalize it, but aren't those candidates to cause you heartache down the road? No wonder all guys seem like jerks.

And guys, are you always looking for eye candy and physical attraction? Aren't those the very candidates that will be taken since just about every young male wants that? No wonder all the so-called "good ones" seem to be taken.

Those seem to be really rudimentary, almost primal, selection models. Realistically though, are these really the types of people that will be good for you in a relationship? Perhaps it's time for a more thought-out selection process. Who are the types of people that will be good for you in a relationship? Write down a list. Be honest with yourself. Think long-term. Think realistically. Clarify in your mind what makes the best sense for a partner. Then maybe you'll start to see a whole new world of choices open to you.

The Stress of Success

Our parents usually encourage us to do our best or to be the best we can be. In either case, they are thinking for us out of love. Sometimes, this encouragement leads to expectation and expectation leads to pressure. Before you know it, you're forcing yourself to always achieve the results that you know your parents will be proud of, to the extent that you start to expect it of yourself. That's ok if you never miss the mark...

Quite a significant number of very gifted youth become so accustomed to achievement, success, and victory over a long period of time that when they finally don't meet their mark, it becomes a catastrophic failure. The disappointment is so vast that some have committed suicide.

So why does this happen? I'm not too sure but I think the original expectation was set by parents in most cases. Perhaps success brings so much positive reinforcement that it becomes the child's raison d'etre. Maybe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

So here are my tips for parents just based on observation. Although encouragement is good, I think it's equally important to assure your children that if they fail, it's not the end of the world and they can still recover. Maybe recognize effort more than results and help your child deal with setbacks rather than condemn them. After all, the people who succeed in life are those that are able to adapt to what life throws at them.

If you are a youth who feels the pressure of achievement, then maybe it's time to discuss this topic again with your parents. Be aware that failure is a learning experience. The only way to learn to cope with failure is to experience it. In future, there will come a time when you miss the mark and it's totally out of your control. Be prepared to adapt and recover from it.

Lastly, if you have just experienced the biggest disappointment of your life because you missed the mark, take a deep breath and a step back. It's time to count your blessings. Calm down. Pray. Then, think about how you can live with or recover from your setback.

Hurt Feelings & Broken Hearts

People are feeling creatures. Feelings can drive one to do selfless acts and the same feelings could drive one to perform the most heinous crimes.

Once in a while, someone might hurt you emotionally. It happened to me. Hurt feelings will lead to sadness, grief, bitterness, resentment, anger, vengeance and a whole host of other emotions that could start you on a downward spiral. The problem is that the downward spiral of bad feelings just don't stop.

The cure is actually forgiveness. Learning to forgive solved all the issues of tumultuous emotions. Forgiving is not just about forgetting. It goes further than that. Forgiving is an active verb... something I have to do. Start by saying it out loud. "I forgive so-and-so" or "I don't have any ill feelings towards him/her regardless of what they've done to me". "Even if I remember what they've done, it doesn't bother me." Do whatever it takes to convince yourself. The acid test to forgiveness is being able to recount the events that hurt you without feeling hurt anymore. Do you harbour resentment and bitterness towards someone? Isn't it time that you stopped allowing them to persist those negative feelings in you? Take back your life. Forgive.